A stream of consciousness blog

Hey!

How’s it going? I’ve been given some homework, to consider the question ‘who could I be, who I’m not currently being?’ It comes after speaking about an aimless feeling. I am - blessedly - much better than when the wheels came off a few months ago and I was signed off work. But I have always lacked a long-term pursuit of sorts.

I had friends in school who knew they wanted to become lawyers and are now lawyers, and I can’t relate to that. Even back then, I wanted to be a cameraman one day, an astronaut the next (given my fear of flying, I’ve since ruled this one out). I could never settle long enough to become something and, now I’m in my 30s, it’s a real problem. Time missed out on devoting myself to a skill or a cause or anything at all. I’ve got all these bits and bobs, I could write a half-decent wrestling angle and have a deep well of short story ideas, I’ve got a guitar pleading with me to spend more time with it and strong opinions on how cinemas should be run. What good are these! Are these any good? I don’t think ‘pack it all in and become a ghost hunter’ is viable.

I fear I’ve lacked discipline, but also vision. I’m learning that my worldview was narrow from an early age, potential didn’t have a big canvas to show itself. I am increasingly aware only of what I don’t know. It feels insurmountably great at times. There exists a motivation to move away from one or two things, but not the pull towards anything that could replace them. Focused displeasure, but aimless desire.

I’ve been recommended a life coach, and I should get over my cynicism and try it, since not trying isn’t working. Scrolling the internet for inspiration isn’t proving any better. I hesitated over a training course that begins the path of becoming a counsellor, but it costs a pretty penny, and involves giving up every Wednesday evening for the next year. Maybe that’s what it takes, but what if all that time and money amounted to nothing either?

That hesitancy surely plays a part. I am fantastically cautious. If there is one thing I excel at, it’s that. God can I find a reason not to do something. If it were an Olympic sport, you’d be looking at the Michael Phelps of caution. But the risks aren’t imaginary. There’s no bank of mum and dad to fall back on if I blow a few grand on a fruitless year-long course.

I have to try, to be receptive to getting things wrong, learn from the missteps, enjoy them even. There is something between not doing anything ever and financial ruin. Who could I be? Better, who am I? Is everyone going through life beginning each day with an identity crisis that starts anew the next morning? Because I am!

I am an optimist, I find joy in many places, and even that I find to be part of the problem. If I only liked five things, I’d devote my life to them. Instead I want to do everything, go everywhere, meet everyone. Which is a ridiculous bar to set for life, it only sets one up for disappointment. Yet I feel life is a miracle and every day is a treasure, it’s why I can’t understand all the rage in the world, aren’t you thankful for the chance to give each day a go?

I am so up and down, really well and a bit lost. Who could I be? I wonder. I would like to be enough. And I’d like to contribute. But I don’t know how. Even if I found out, I worry I’d change my mind a day or two later. It’s a privilege to have the freedom to wonder and make something of yourself, without anyone else telling you otherwise. But it is currently a great weight too, as I have no idea where to go with my freedom, what to make of it. Who I could be with it. Is there still time to work it out?

Speak soon,

Scott